There were a few high-profile, one-sided battles in 2013 – Pass/DNA, O-Red/T-Rex and Shuffle T/Anton Murphy all struck us as clear 3-0s (at least). But decisive wins aren’t enough to make this year’s Biggest Bodybags list. We’re not focusing on how well the winner won, but how badly the loser lost. This list is reserved for performances so dismal that the opposing battler could’ve just stood there laughing and still won.
10. BONNIE GODIVA VS GERM FREE
To be honest, we still haven’t watched this battle in its entirely. It’s just too awkward. Luckily we interviewed Cadalack Ron for our Alcatraz event recap and he gave us a first-hand account:
Bonnie Godiva killed it. Bodybag of the night. And Germ Free is my homie … Germ Free had done a painting of Bonnie Godiva having sex with all the Innuendo crew and people were talking about the “Germ Free painting.” People were confused thinking it was a painting of Germ Free. Actually it was a painting of QP performing cunnilingus on Bonnie Godiva while 100 Bulletz was watching from the window. It was kind of bizarre. Maybe she should’ve been practicing her rounds instead of painting.
9. DIALECT/ZEN VS RICKY C/CRISIS MUSIC
This 2-on-2 from Don’t Flop looks a lot more like a 2-on-1. Hell, in the second round the dude in the black shirt (we didn’t even bother to sort out which rapper was which since we know we’ll never see them again) looks like he’s trying to blend into the crowd rather than actually participate in the battle. The only good line the clearly unprepared team has is about how they should’ve practiced more.
8. RAHNEY VS EMOTIONZ
Here’s a case of a guy completely stalling before he even gets out of the gate. In the second round, he mostly gives up on trying to rhyme and just resorts to threats while repeating that he’s “freestyling off the dome.” We figured.
7. LEXX LUTHOR VS JAY BLUE
This one is similar to the last two, with one small difference. After thoroughly shitting the bed, Jay Blue disappeared from rap and social media except for a suicide note he posted in the YouTube comments. We hear he’s still alive somewhere, hopefully with enough perspective on this battle to realize that it’s not worth hurting himself over. Remember: it’s never too late for a comeback in battle rap – just look at Lux/Calicoe or OZ/Jack Shitt II.
6. DAYLYT VS SUMMER MADNESS
For his URL debut, Daylyt bodied the whole event: from his threats to shit on the stage leading up to the battle, to his barrage of complaints the day of, but especially his epic tirade that spawned three new catchphrases in about five minutes. “Imma clap shit up,” “marked out” and “on errything” became instant memes on Twitter and in subsequent battles.
URL completely discounted Daylyt’s description of events, and that, paired with the fact that Daylyt’s version seemed to be different every time he told the story, helped them regain some dignity. We don’t know what really happened that weekend, but if it was anything like Day’s documentary suggested, it wasn’t pretty.
5. MARK GRIST VS SPIRITED SAGE
This one is less of a rap battle and more of a Mark Grist solo performance with long pauses in it. In front of a festival crowd, two-time viral video sensation Grist brings quality content against a guy who sounds more like a stalker than a rapper. When the crowd isn’t feeling it, Sage switches up his approach, moving into weak freestyles. We suspect he was kicking himself later for not tagging in the audience member who offered to jump in for him.
4. KIT CARSON VS GUCK
Guck catches a nosebleed as he’s choking through his first, then spits sentence fragments with a tissue stuffed in his nose in the second. By the third, he finally realizes it’s probably better to just not rap at all.
He’s consoled by the host, who tells him: “It’s ok bro, it’s only a rap battle.”
Most likely his last.
3. DAYLYT VS LOE PESCI
We’re still adamant that Pesci bodied Daylyt in this battle, but in the days and months that followed it was clear that Daylyt won the war. The footage of Pesci getting repeatedly embarrassed was featured on Worldstar and even spawned a fan-made animation. Since then, Pesci has been mocked in his battles and referenced in countless others. In the end, it was kind of a double KO.
Arcane/Dizaster is a similar case, but we’ve written way too much about that battle already.
2. MICKY WORTHLESS VS JAMES ARTHUR
-Don’t Flop vet Micky Worthless makes fun of X Factor winner James Arthur on Twitter
-Arthur responds and the two bicker online for days, setting off skirmishes between their fans
-Micky releases a diss track
-Arthur releases one back that is not only sonically terrible, but also features the phrases “fucking queer” and “kill yourself”
-The press catches wind of Arthur’s track and points out that this kind of language is unbecoming of a pop idol
-Arthur’s weak apology fails to soothe anyone’s anger
-Arthur quits Twitter, leaving only a shell of an account that is updated by “HQ”
-Micky wins our Troll of the Year award
For more details, check The Guardian’s summary.
And listen to Micky’s track here:
1. REAL DEAL VS TONY D
This battle takes our Number 1 spot because it actually had classic potential and flopped hard. Tony D, the Don’t Flop title holder and winningest champion in any league in the written era, made his highly anticipated North American debut in KOTD against one of the sharpest opponents around. He choked all three rounds and was completely sapped of his usual confidence and charisma.
It may also have been our fault.
Ahead of the battle, we chatted briefly with Tony, telling him we were fans of his and that we thought a strong performance in KOTD could launch him internationally, the same way the Fingaz battle made Shotty Horroh a name known and respected by North American fans. In retrospect, that may have put a touch more pressure on him in a foreign environment with a hostile crowd.
In any case, Tony is also the only one on this list who managed to recover from the loss. As he said in his next battle against Charlie Clips: “I forgot what I wrote, I didn’t forget how to write.”
**Disclaimer: We didn’t watch every battle released in 2013. If we missed a bodybag more dramatic than any of these, send us the link on Twitter and we’ll add it to the list.**